Nothing’s Changed
I have to remind myself of these words some mornings, well most mornings actually. With a tendency to anxiety and worry of certain outcomes as well as an overactive imagination, my brain is usually spinning in full gear by the time I wake. At this point in the day my habit has been to think of all the things that have, or could yet go, wrong in my life. The ‘what ifs’ start their engines and off we race down the track.
We have a pretty well groomed track to race and I have spent years perfecting the art of streamlining my thoughts so that I can get to the ultimate worry and fear immediately upon awakening. If worry was an olympic sport I feel like I’d have a chance at gold.
Over the past few years however, I’ve begun to learn the art of getting off the worry track and seeing whats happening in the rest of the world. It wasn’t, isn’t easy.
Worry somehow feels like it is very necessary. Kind of like staying awake to watch the road while someone else drives. The first few times I was able to let go of worry and simply trust I was amazed. How have I never known that there is simply no need for worry?
I feel like it’s a bit like telling my arm to go chill for the day. Worry has become such a part of who I am, of what I am. It feels so very wrong to not allow it to control my mind and thoughts. I remember as a kid being admonished in sunday school, church and every other opportunity my religious parents had, “don’t worry! God will take care of you.” And yet, my parents and all the church people worried more than anyone I knew. It’s not from hearing words that we learn how to live it’s in the actions. Religious people know nothing more about trust than they do about pop culture. (I realize how sweeping and unfair that generalization is but I still have some forgiving and growing to do where religion is concerned.) Only words.
I remember the very first time I let go of anxiety. I took the dare and embraced the thought that literally everything was going to be ok. Suddenly I was floating. I had a flashback to when I learned how to swim at age 13. That feeling of realizing that the water hadn’t changed it was my attitude towards it. As long as I was panicking and thrashing about I thought I was drowning. The moment I relaxed and TRUSTED, I floated. Learning to swim is so much like learning to survive in life. The moment you relax, trust and breathe you will see that life is holding you. Float on that for a while.
Back to the top! Nothing’s changed. So many times, if not everytime, when I catch myself in the endless spiral downwards into the chasm of worry I think of these words. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. From five minutes ago when I wasn’t thinking about my current worry to now, nothing has changed. Every situation is still the same and I am still ok. My fear and worry is a heavy stone that if clung to, will only cause the situation to worsen over time. I gently release my hold on that need to fear and once again float to the surface.
Is everything figured out in my life? Oh god no! But yet, it is. Has there ever really been anything to “figure out”? The longer I live the more it seems that I am simply in a state of observation as life unfolds before me. I can’t see more than a step at a time but that’s all I really need. For me, the key to happiness and peace has come in the form of trust. How I am learning to trust will be the subject of my next little blog.
Life has a way of bringing us what we need when we need it. The question to me is, can I trust? Can I let go of the fear and grips me and paralyses me? I can. I don’t always but I am learning.
Learning to float.
Originally published at http://benjiesblog.org on February 12, 2020.
