2. Early Years
The early years in almost anything are often the best years. The years when everything is still new and fresh and exciting. The early years in a cult are especially so. Everyone is friendly and happy to see a new face. I have some experience in this but Christopher does not. Not yet anyway. For new he’s a fresh new youngster himself just starting to figure out that he even exists at all.
For Dan and Sue these were good years. I’m guessing if you were to ask them they might have been the best years. It was busy no doubt. 4 little mouths to feed with more on the way, a new business to run, a farm to tend to, food to raise and so much more. But over and above it all, a new cult in which to submerse themselves and their family.
Some might be angry that I call it a cult and not a ‘church’ but I let that anger speak for itself. I call it a cult.
This cult required a lot of Dan and Sue’s time. Church twice on Sundays was the norm. Then again on Wednesday evenings, bible study on Friday evenings and a family bible and prayer/song time each morning at home. Each of the public services involved prayers, singing of hymns (acapella style) and on average, an hour long sermon. Once every few months there would be a Sunday with three services and in each service would be TWO hour long sermons! I mean if a little is good than double must be better right? Not if you ask Christopher. Those hard wooden pews did not for easy sitting make. And god forbid if you so much as giggle or fart…there was enough judgement and punishment around in those days for everyone to feel fully included!
For Christopher it was just life as normal. Being born into a way of life it really never crossed his mind that this was anything but. He felt sorry for those who weren’t a part of their little group. “They are bad.” He was told. “They go to their own churches but those are not good and they teach people lies and we should never go there.” and one of the most often repeated phrases “we don’t belong in a place like that.” ( this phrase applied to everything from other churches, family gatherings with relatives who played guitars, barber shops, public libraries, malls, anything musically related including the local christian bible book store, ski resorts, sporting events, and don’t even get me started on bars! This list goes on…and on…ad infinitum)
For this little cult, everyone and everything that didn’t agree with their perspective on pretty much anything was “outside” the fold and was to be pitied and prayed for but also avoided like the sinful plague that it most definitely was.
One afternoon Dan needed to go to get supplies from town. Christopher was allowed to go along and as they drove the 15 minutes into a small nearby town he pressed his nose against the window and watched the world go by. It was a rather typical small town in northern Canada but with more churches (cults) than pretty much anything else. They passed by an old church with a steeple and a cross in the front (also very much frowned upon, I mean, if your cross is on the wall of the church that means no one is carrying it right? long explanation there) and Christopher asked curiously, “what do they do in there?” He often thought about what others believed and was desperately curious about other churches and why they were so bad in comparison to their own.
“It’s very bad” Dan explained thoughtfully. He wasn’t much for in-depth explanations. Christopher considered this for a moment. In his 5 year old mind the biggest and baddest things he had come across were any words related to things like ‘bum’ and ‘poop’ or calling someone ‘stupid’ etc. He imagined the preacher standing up at the pulpit on Sunday morning randomly calling out “POOP!” “BUM” “STUPID”. What a strange church! He doubted that he would ever go there. What a waste of time and how angry must god be at them for being so careless with words. Didn’t they know that EVERY word they ever spoke gets recorded and that when they die they would have to sit down and god would judge them for every word. If one word is wrong in the whole list then down the black hole to hell you go! It’s a tough gig, this religious thing. Not for the fainthearted let me tell you.
The threat of punishment was around every corner in those days. At home it mostly had to come from Dan since he was the “head” of the household. Men were highly revered and respected in this cult. Women had their place but it was always in a submissive role to men. Dan had his own battles to fight and his had not been an easy or wonderful childhood. I give him credit for trying to do his best however. But more often than not his anger would build up and spill over onto those around him. But thankfully there was verse in the Book of Absolute Truth about physically punishing your kids upon every infraction no matter how insignificant and as a result Christopher learned to fear his father and would begin to tip-toe around him. Careful not to upset the fruit basket so to speak. Sometimes Dan would leave for a week or more on work trips and it was during those times that Christopher and his siblings felt more free to play and enjoy themselves. Dan’s glowering presence did nothing to create a warm family atmosphere so while he was gone they could relax and enjoy life.
There were a few things that brought a smile to Dan’s face though. One of these things were studies into how the world would end. Sounds a bit grim but this cult liked to think they had everything figured out and were all set and ready for the big Jesus to bust thru those clouds (apparently he waits just outside of earth’s atmosphere getting ready for the big surprise come-back) and take them all out of this evil place and into heaven. (if they had been good enough). Dan obsessed over studying about when this could possibly take place. He had shelves of books dedicated to this big event called the Rapture. A time when all those who had obeyed the bible could get lifted up and out of earth so that all the rest could be tortured and punished by the devil for 7 years before being tossed into the trash can of hell.
For all of his life and as far back as he could remember Christopher was warned “we have to be ready for the return of Christ!” Everything revolved around ‘readiness’. To not be ready meant to be burned alive for eternity. Yes you read that right. Like I said, a tough gig.
Any lies or transgressions of any kind had to be immediately resolved because if they were not confessed and forgiven before death took one away then hell was the only place for that poor soul. No second chances.
Hell.
This was a place Christopher was very familiar with. At least in word. In a fear based culture such as this cult, it was the one thing that had to be avoided at all costs. And to not be ready when Jesus did his big trumpet thing meant hell.
For 8 year old Christopher this was terrifying. He would lie awake night after night hoping and praying that he wouldn’t have to go to hell. He was sure he did many bad things and was pretty sure Jesus was pissed at him.
There were two other cult buildings in the surrounding area of the same ilk as the cult that Dan and Sue had so eagerly embraced. These two were a few hours drive away but a few times a month this little family would bundle in to the family van and make the trip to attend a service in one or the other of these places. Being the same cult it was considered biblical to gather together to “worship” and practice their faith together.
During these trips if the children were lucky, Dan would allow some music to be played via tape in the van cassette player. All music had to be strictly acapella and had to be songs of the cult. Not knowing any differently, Christopher LOVED this music. His heart and ear would quickly pick up on the harmonies and he developed a strong singing voice at a young age.
On this particular night however, Dan had a different plan for listening material. One of his cult leader friends ( he was forever trying to impress them so as to move up the ladder in the cult) had loaned him a cassette of a non-musical variety. This particular tape was a dramatized story about a man who had died and had gone to be judged by god. In the story the man wakes in heaven before the “great throne” of god and was being shown his life. He had been proud, arrogant, and had listened to a great deal of music with instruments and non-cult (aka worldly) lyrics. Very bad stuff indeed.
As the man was being shown his terrible life he began to be very afraid. He knew he wasn’t good enough for god. He knew he had been a terrible sinner. And sure enough, abou the time this realization hit him a large black hole was opened up next to him. From the hole emerged a heat enough to singe your hairs even if you were a mile a way. The stench that accompanied the heat was enough to knock out even the strongest and smelliest of barnyard pigs.
God then having wrapped up this particular judgement session and ready to turn in for the day commanded some nearby angels to throw the man in the hole. The man screamed and cried and begged god for mercy but the time for mercy was over. The angels picked up the struggling human like a piece of filth and tossed him in to the devil’s hole. Christopher never ever forgot the screams of the man as he fell into this never-ending blackness. He screamed and fell and screamed and kept falling. Turns out this particular hole was bottomless. Super bad luck. That was the end of the story. Except for the demons that arrive next to the falling man to rip him apart and to assure him that he will never die no matter what. He will fall, burn, and be ripped apart for eternity. Which is a really freakin long time!
That was a trip and a memory that burned so deeply into Christopher’s impressionable little mind that he vowed NEVER to be disobedient to god or the church or his parents or anyone for that matter ever again. His life would be perfect! He would always make sure that he never lied or said a bad word or played an instrument or wore white shoes or combed his hair wrong or had a bad attitude or a bad thought!
A few weeks later one Sunday morning after service, Christopher was waiting near the entrance for his parents and siblings to be ready to return home for lunch. Food! Now that was something he truly understood and loved! There were some bright spots and food was one of them!
In the back of their plain little white church that also doubled as a private school for the 18–20 families or so that attended, there was a shelf with various brochures and literature to help the seeking souls of those who struggled with their faith or the teachings of the cult. On this particular morning and after a particularly fearful night spent praying and worrying about his worthiness before god, Christopher’s eyes found a small pamphlet that seemed to call his name. On the front of the pamphlet a man knelt with hands folded in prayer. The words in large bold font proclaimed, “The only way to please God”.
Christopher eagerly took the little booklet and began to read. It was very much the same as the things he would hear in sermons or in Sunday school, pray to Jesus, ask for forgiveness of sins etc, but what interested him was the assurance that this demonstration by the man on the cover was the way to make god happy. When he arrived home he rushed to his bedroom and knelt down exactly as the man on the pamphlet had. He folded his hands exactly the same way. He even used a side profile by kneeling to the side of his dresser the way it looked like the man was. He prayed then, hoping for some magical feeling of “rightness”, maybe an angel or something would come now that he had found the key and the perfect position to making god happy. This was it! He had found the answer.
Only nothing happened. He didn’t even feel differently and the longer he knelt there the more foolish he felt. Apparently this was NOT it. In frustration and some anger his small hands tore the leaflet into pieces and threw them in the garbage. That didn’t work! Back to lying awake at night. His only comfort was this. In this bible that the cult was so addicted to, there was a verse that affirmed that Jesus would only come whenever you weren’t thinking about it. So young Christopher made a vow to constantly think about it so as to deter Jesus from coming. If he could just keep thinking about it than it made sense that Jesus would be breaking his word if he popped thru the clouds at that moment. It helped stave off the fear a bit.
This fear of hell and punishment grew roots deep inside our young friend. I have often wished there was some way of assuring his innocent and eager little heart that he was already perfect. That no one was angry with him. That he was and is, in fact, more deeply loved and appreciated than he could even imagine. But life must take it’s toll and we all walk the roads we walk for whatever reason. And this road for young Christopher was only just beginning.
Originally published at http://benjiesblog.org on November 4, 2020.
